Email I Am Considering Sending After A Boy Pissed Me Off

Dear Sir,I am writing you from Fustercluck and Klein Legal Partners on behalf of our client, Shallon Lester. It has come to our attention that you no longer deemed neither fit nor responsible to posess Ms. Lester’s phone number and/or email address, and such items must be deleted and/or removed immediately from all communication devices (including but not limited to: Facebook, email, Blackberry, iPhones, voicemails, etc).

Furthermore, you shall hereby refrain from waving to her across bars, drunken texting, meeting up at Sutton Place, or any other establishment, public or private, including her bedroom, your apartment, etc.

Also, once her show airs, you are barred from using language such as “Yep, I hit that” or “We used to date!” or “I should call her…” or any other phrasing indicating an intimate knowledge of Ms. Lester (physical or emotional), since it has been determined by the court that you in fact had none.

It is unfortunate that your relationship (defined in article 3.6.11 on the attached codicil, under the heading of “extremely casual and unsatisfying”) has come to dissolution, but due to the nature of your excessive fist pumping, Ed Hardy issues, and general douchebaggery.

Good day sir.